Tor-Mentors

All people, even the ones we find most challenging, are our teachers. Byron Katie makes this radical claim in her book Loving What Is. She argues that the people who most vex us reveal to us where we have work to do and so they are a gift. Dick Schwartz shares a similar insight in his book  Internal Family Systems Therapy. He calls his most difficult clients his “tor-mentors” because these are the clients that led to his greatest growth. 

I want to be careful in framing the above. There are clearly terrible and abusive situations where it would be uncalled for to tell someone that the person who is hurting them is actually their teacher. Nevertheless, there are some extraordinary people, like Immaculée Ilibagiza, who transformed incredible pain into a beautiful response. Her family was murdered in the Rwandan genocide and she only escaped by hiding in a small bathroom with seven other women for three months. Today she travels the world inspiring people with her message of peace and forgiveness. 

This week, I invite you to ask yourself: 

Who is currently my “tor-mentor?” What might my reaction to this person be revealing to me? How might I view this person as my teacher? If this person is genuinely hurting me, how might this experience be the occasion for a beautiful response? What might I do to use this pain to do good for others and for myself?

God bless,
Dan    

P.S. Missed an article last week. I’ll email you directly if you’re the lucky winner of the $100 for my broken commitment. I’m working on a new way of relating to staying on track for one post a week and this will be the subject of an upcoming article. Stay tuned!