Part of Me

Imagine an upset parent speaking to a child who hasn’t finished an assignment for school. Contrast these two possible statements: 

“I am angry that you didn’t finish your homework.” 
“Part of me is angry that you didn’t finish your homework.” 

Which of these more accurately describes the parent’s experience? In his book Internal Family Systems Therapy, Dick Schwartz argues that our psyches are made up of a multiplicity of sub-personalities or parts, all of which are anchored in the fundamental reality of the self. Along with having a part that is angry, the parent in the above example likely has many other parts that have a different relationship with the child: a part that loves the child, a part that is afraid of what might happen if the child doesn’t succeed in school, a part that is worried about what other parents might think of him as a parent. All of these parts are at work and sometimes, one or the other part blends with the core self, giving the illusion that this part is the whole of reality. This can lead the parent to identify with anger although it is only part of his experience. 

Dick Schwartz recommends trying out the words “part of me” in order to generate greater clarity about what our parts are and to avoid creating extreme reactions in others during difficult conversations. 

This week, I invite you to ask: 

Am I willing to try out the experiment of using the phrase “part of me,” both in my interior conversations with myself and in my conversations with others? If yes, are there any patterns that I notice? That is, are there any recurring sub-personalities or parts? 

Another article is forthcoming on how to begin integrating your parts once you’ve discovered them.     

God bless,
Dan