Help Even Before You Offer to Help

Imagine you arrive for a large party a little early and you see that the host is still preparing for the event. Here are three different ways to engage with offering help: 

Question 1: You ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” 

This is a good start, but it is a yes-or-no question that usually requires a few extra steps to figure out what the help will be. I’ll also tell on myself—sometimes, I’ve asked this question as a way to check the box, secretly hoping that the person would say no. Perhaps you’ve done this before too? 

Question 2: You ask, “How can I help?” 

This question allows the person to cut right to the chase by inviting them to tell you what you can do to help. It stands more firmly in the assumption that there will be something you can do. When asked with a spirit of generosity, it gives the host an abundance of permission to give you something to do. 

Question 3: You look around before you ask to identify where you might be useful, you create a rough draft of what you might do, and then you approach the host saying something like, “I noticed that there are some pots and pans in the sink. Would it be useful to you if I got to work washing those or is there something else I can do that would be more helpful?” 

With this proactive approach, you help the host even before you ask him. Question 2 might inadvertently create more work for the host: he has to find something for you to do. With Question 3, you do this work for him. It is much easier to edit a rough draft than to write a new one. Either the host will like what you’ve chosen to do or he will have an easier time finding something different in light of your concrete proposal. Question 3 embodies a spirit of service while also respecting the host’s freedom. 

This week, I invite you to ask: 

How do I relate to offering help? Which of the above three ways do I typically reach for? What, if anything, would I like to change about how I offer help? 

God bless,
Dan