How Did You Get Here?

Have you ever watched a football game that went into overtime? In the early years of television, the programming on the channel didn’t accommodate the extended game. If there was a post-game movie scheduled, viewers would be plunged in midway through rather than at the beginning. This was frustrating because in order to make sense of what was happening in the current scene, you needed to guess at what had happened before. 

The authors of Crucial Conversations use this experience as an analogy for what happens in our relationships. In observing someone’s outward actions we have an incomplete picture and we speculate about the path that led them there. For example, a coworker might be less talkative than usual and so we might infer that they are feeling sad or that they have a problem with us. Behind our actions, there are our emotions, and behind our emotions there are our thoughts. Exploring and describing the relationship between actions, emotions, and thoughts is what the authors of Crucial Conversations call “tracing the path.” 

When we jump into the middle of a movie, even our best inferences about the path that led up to the current scene are likely to be mistaken. Similarly, we usually only see people’s external actions, and we can be mistaken in how we trace the path from their actions, to their emotions, to the thoughts they may be having.   

In order to become better at tracing and understanding another person’s path, the authors recommend using four techniques that can be remembered by the acronym AMPP.

A - Ask

In order to understand another’s path, we first need to become curious about it. Inquiring is much more likely to get at the truth than trusting our initial interpretation.

M - Mirror 

We can mirror back to the other person what external actions we perceive, asking for their input about what those actions really mean. We can say something like, “I notice that your remarks during this conversation have been shorter than usual and that you’ve been looking down. How are you feeling? Is there something going on?” 

P - Paraphrase 

When someone does reveal their path, it is important to paraphrase what they have said using your own words (rather than just parroting back an exact copy of their words). This is a great way to make people feel that they are heard. 

P - Prime

If after inquiry, a person still hasn’t opened up, we can prime the conversation by offering our interpretation and requesting feedback about whether our read on the situation is accurate. We might say something like, “I notice that your remarks during this conversation have been shorter than usual and this leads me to think that you might be sad because you are upset with me. Would you be willing to share what you’re experiencing to help me better understand the whole picture?” 

This week, I invite you to ask yourself: 

In what ways might my relationships benefit if I became more curious about tracing others’ paths? What specific way might I ensure that I practice AMPP this week? 

God Bless,
Dan